I’m going to try and continue writing in this, consistently, until I finish my studies at UIS.
I have four research projects, 10+ pages each. I have been running crazy for over a month. In many ways, time moves so slow. So very slow: only a month? In many other ways, my life passes me by. Thirty three years old. I won’t go down the list my mother has engrained in my head since I was a child. The shadow CV, as Bella calls it. The things I should have done. The things I could have done. The things I didn’t do. Couldn’t, under circumstances. I’m in a place of processing, revisiting old experiences, old lessons in my large book of life.
The beginning of April brought on a dedication: I began eating smoothies for breakfast, green as a stagnant pond, filled with so much nutrients: avocado, watercress, mint, spinach, kale. Apple for flavor. Blueberry for flavor. Coconut milk for flavor. I also began running: stepping out of my comfort zone, my lonely zone, to try and improve on my body. I got a little done. I’ve run twice in a week. It’s horrible. I’m a gasping mess. But it feels really good. Except my legs and lungs. Everything else: really good.
Contentment, and what I can give. Six words. I am content. I can give so much. I’m giving so much.
First, I am graduating in May, although I have one final class to finish over the summer: gen ed math. My family had a good laugh over this. They are engineers, accountants, business owners. Lots of humor. Lots of fun to be had at my expense. Overshadowing my graduation is the humor that I’m not getting a “worthwhile” degree. Note: my brother has had an Engineering degree for over a year, and still hasn’t got a job. ANY job. AT ALL.
Second, I have been accepted in a masters program. Initially, I wasn’t excited about it, because I feel this is a strange slog to something greater. And who was here to celebrate with me? Classmates? People I’ve seen outside of class once? Twice? My family? I got excited, because I deserved to be excited. This wasn’t a small success. This is huge. Graduation, AND Grad school? Masters? Excited. Life goal: met. I went home over the weekend to celebrate with my family, and the reaction was: “You had your one beer. Isn’t that enough of a celebration?” I ordered a beer over dinner with them. They made fun of me for graduating so late. They made fun of me for the math course. They were too tired to spend some time celebrating my grad school acceptance with me. In fact, the most celebrating they did for my… everything… was a beer.
They apologized later. You know, an hour before I drove back to my four research papers. Fun stuff. This definitely showed I need friends to celebrate with. Closer friends. More time spent cultivating friendships. They aren’t fans of celebration.
Lesser of importance, one of the essays I wrote last semester was nominated for an internal award at my college. I think the nominating professor handed it in a day late, so I won’t get anything, but it was a nice gesture.
The need to write on my book is growing. I can’t wait for some down time on all this work. I must find a job over the summer, but I have no doubt I can find it. Here’s hoping for a better end of the semester. This personal goal is huge. I want to finish this book, and if I don’t write on it soon, it’ll fall into the pile of dead novels.
Finally, I found another editor for my Soren novel, but since he’s professional, and I’m broke, I can’t afford the 1290 bucks he asked for, for first look at the novel. Granted, it’d be a huge amount of work from him/them (it’s a group). The novel needs it. But. So much money. lol Maybe in a little while.
Next time, I delve into sex. Why my book needs it. Why I need it to write my book.